Am I a parent? Am I a child? You might have this question before you start reading, but let me clear you, sometimes it does not matter who wrote it, Sometimes, what matter is. “Why is it written and what is it written which I do not know?” A great thinker once said “People who bring child into the world are possessed with the immense feeling of having created A life. What is indeed important is to understand that you have not created a life. You have aided in providing it a body, genetic markers, a growth medium We do need to accept that creating life is not in your hands, it’s the God”. Hence, it is important to accept that we have no right to rule the lives of these curious minds. Yes, it is important and our prime responsibility to strike a balance between guiding and protecting our children while also allowing them to learn and grow on their own. It is true that as parents, we have a responsibility to protect our children from negative influences and create a safe environment for them. However, it is also essential to let them experience certain challenges and failures, as these are important for their personal and character development.
While, I partly believe in this thought of not creating a life and while growing up I always felt that our parents have been too tough upon us at times, trying to rule and never happily obliged to our demands. While we grew up listening to “NO” for almost all our demands at first, the difference between “Need” and “Want” was well defined by them by way of creating and environment normalizing punishments, beatings and scolding as a part of raising a disciplined child. They certainly imbibed this “Being contented with what we have” attitude even if we were not. Somewhere now as parents, we all grew up with unfulfilled dreams, compromised career aspirations, hiding our passions in our hobby, unfulfilled desires of food, games, cars, of life, of relationships, of hiding pain and of ambition for better life.
Trust me when I say they raised us the best way they could. Probably that is what we as parents of the millennials and Gen Z kids are also trying to do. The Best for our children. But who decides the definition of Best for my Child is my question to you? Our Children never asked us to be born, we bought them in this world some with love, some out of compulsion, some out of societal pressures, some out of mistakes and some as part of marital obligation.
So why intentionally or unintentionally do we end up projecting our own unfulfilled ambitions, our feelings and beliefs on our children certainly needs us to be mindful of this tendency. Is it essential to give them all that they are asking for, just because we did not get as a child, or he might get depressed if we deny? So be it a fancy toy house, a great amusement park experience, expensive clothes, international trips, fancy huge restaurants we are working the hardest to give them – The Best. The notion of providing material possessions and experiences to compensate for what we may have lacked as children raises the question of whether it is necessary or beneficial. It is essential to consider what values and life lessons we are imparting to our children, rather than solely focusing on material wealth. Whether we agree to my next point or not but the biggest life learning that we are teaching our kids with this is – “Compensate time with Materialistic things”. Let us accept our jobs does not give us the Work life balance, but it still gives us those small moments where we can be a listening ear to our children. Not always do they need advices, sometimes, all they need is a patient listening ear, who hear all their emotions, frustrations, anger, thoughts, without judging them, or using them as a weapon for their future mistakes. While it is natural to want the best for our children, it is crucial to recognize them as individuals with their own hopes, dreams, and aspirations. And the fact that, let your child decide what is best for them. Give them an environment to be vocal about their expectations. Hear them out.
Every stage of a child needs different parenting techniques and I am certain that most of you would have read books on these Golden parenting techniques, ways to be a Good parent and blogs and searches on how to raise up a good kid. We all want our children to be well behaved, well mannered, obedient to us, Do as we ask them to do, speak when we ask them to speak and be quiet when we don’t want to listen, watch phones and cartoons when we want our me time and don’t watch, if we want to spend time with them. We all have our Do’s and Don’t manual for our children.
But even after all of these, our children are still growing up to be loners, impulsive, aggressive and violent, depressed, secretive and sometimes even suicidal in nature. They rely more on there virtual world then the real world around them. We are doing everything. Aren’t we? Yet falling short somewhere.
We all know, Times teaches everything, with time comes knowledge, time is the biggest healer and the fact that time waits for none. But are we really giving them this time? Time to listen to them patiently, time to help them accept failures, time to teach them how to handle rejections and heart breaks. But as parents, it is us who need to start spending the time to share knowledge, discuss, express which they end up on Google Searches these days. Most of you might say we do talk to our children ask about their days, things they like or any help they need, but our responsibility does not end there. Even after this, if a child refrains to share things with parents, then we certainly need to understand the reason, the reason of being fearful of judgment, the trust issues, restrictions, burdens of expectations and comparison, unwarranted one way advice, overthinking and all is restricting our children to open up with us as parents. A few might wonder are we wrong if we are expecting something from our own child? While as a parent you are not wrong if you expect, but if the thin line between expectations turning into burden for children needs to be drawn like any other relationships. Parents, we are not doing any favor if we spend good time with our children, be a good listener and are listening to their problems, cooking food that they love to eat doing their homework or playing games with them. It is certainly our responsibility, remember when I said it is you who bought them to life and responsibility is not just to take care of them, but to help them grow in an environment where they learn to Express more with their parents without being judged or blamed, grow to learn and accept dejections and defeat, live a life where everything is not materialistic, and some things are worth waiting for, where meals are not about fancy restaurants but what mom cooked in tiffin today, where studying and playtimes are equal. Let them run, let them jump, let them fall, let them get hurt, let them cry let them be what they want to be let them show what’s right and wrong and help them choose the best part rather than enforcing them.
Well, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to whether we are parenting our kids too much. It depends on various factors, including cultural norms and individual circumstances.
Ultimately, the best approach to parenting will vary for each family, and it is important to constantly reflect on our actions and decisions while considering the well-being and individuality of our children. Ensuring effective communication with children is crucial for their emotional well-being and development. Spend quality time, listen attentively, and provide a supportive environment where they feel safe to express themselves. Encourage independence, teach problem-solving skills, and nurture their self-esteem. Remember, being a good parent involves empathy, understanding, and patience. Look to your own experiences with your parents for guidance and strive to create a positive and nurturing relationship with your child.
School of Counselling 